And Yet

My requirements are few and simple.

  1. Daily walkies.  Operative words: daily and walkies.
  2. A second walkies.  Daily.
  3. Beverages always available.
  4. Meals on time.
  5. We don’t shortchange me on bedtime cookies.
  6. My eggs done but not tough.
  7. No broccoli, asparagus, Brussels sprouts or any fruit of any kind.
  8. No peas, carrots, sweet potatoes or green beans unless cooked, very small and slathered in gravy.
  9. Discretionary salad kept available.
  10. On Thanksgiving I get turkey every time.
  11. Access to cats in my neighborhood.
  12. Access to cats at the marina.  This means more timely leash removal.
  13. Access to Cesar Chavez.
  14. Access to birds at Lake Merritt.
  15. Access to the deck.  But don’t leave the door open if it’s boring and I’m trying to sleep and there’s a draft.
  16. Access to delivery guys.
  17. Access to all my burying locations at all times without exception.
  18. Access to cats in PetCo.
  19. We make the kinds of scones that she doesn’t freak out if I eat.
  20. Even if we make the raisin kind, I get some anyway.
  21. Morning walkies carefully timed so I see Mr. Darcy.
  22. When she goes somewhere in the car, I go too.
  23. When she comes back from fetching coffee, I get a cookie.
  24. When she comes back from provisioning runs, I get a cookie.
  25. When she comes back from pumping gas, I get a cookie.
  26. When we go through the car wash, I get several cookies.
  27. When she gets back in the car from cleaning the windows, I get a cookie.
  28. When some dog in a nearby car barks like a freak, I get a cookie.
  29. We never drive past PetCo.  We go in.
  30. No abrupt decelerations.
  31. My window is opened for me when I request it.  Not when she’s done texting.  Plus, isn’t that illegal or something?
  32. If there’s a really long line-up in Peet’s, and I have to wait interminably, I get a ham and cheese croissant.
  33. If we pass cows while driving, we pull over so I can see them.
  34. If I am made to wear stuff, I get chicken (minimum) continuously.
  35. When delivery guys come, I get a cookie.
  36. When she goes near the cookie drawer, I get cookies.
  37. Proper brush outs.
  38. Weekly baths at home, not at the communal bath at Pet Food Express.
  39. My pants are never allowed to get poofy.
  40. Feet scissored properly for gripping.
  41. Orientation on grooming table allows comfortable monitoring of Cesar Chavez.
  42. No combing or raking on open side of ears.
  43. No nails.
  44. If we do easy physiotherapy exercises, I get cookies.
  45. If we do the one where I lie on my side with my elbow tucked for passive range of motion I get chicken or pecorino Romano (minimum) or near-continuous baby food.
  46. If some dog on methamphetamine yells at me, even from a great distance, I get some of whatever she has on her.
  47. If some dog on methamphetamine jumps me, I get all of whatever she has on her, plus we go to PetCo.
  48. If I am deliberately used to educate some dog on methamphetamine, and the dog   acts like a freak, I get chicken or pecorino Romano (minimum), plus we go to PetCo.
  49. No acupuncture needles right in my knee.
  50. During acupuncture, if I continue to volunteer, I get freeze-dried chicken or liver (minimum) at – I believe the expression is – “a high rate of reinforcement.”
  51. If during acupuncture, I elect to vacate, it is a sign that “rate of reinforcement” is insufficient.
  52. No dogs in my house.
  53. More trips to Dog Bone Alley, PetCo and Pet Food Express, but this last one never for baths, only shopping.
  54. When we see Mr. Darcy, we always walk *towards* him.
  55. A steady supply of cat toys with the proper mouth feel.
  56. If another dog gets in trouble, I get to watch.
  57. No Colgate, always Crest.
  58. In the rare event that any ick gets on my pants during my morning constitutional, it is immediately cleaned.
  59. If a dog spits on me, it is immediately cleaned.
  60. No offering of beverages that other dogs have spat in.
  61. Foster kittens.
  62. Tripe.
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